Living not Existing
by mangers
Summary: "Committed" from season 8. Just an idea of a different ending. Lois POV. "The jeweller came right up to me. I looked down, trying not to let the tears come out. I couldn't let Clark get hurt again, not because of me."


Hi, this is my first ever fanfic. Please tell me what you think, good or bad. You can't improve if you don't know where you're going wrong.

I don't own anything to do with Smallville, (story's, characters etc.) as much as I wish I did

This is based on the epsisode "Committed" in season 8. Me and a friend were having a discussion as to what could have happened differently and this came into my head. Obviously the original episode story line is brilliant and I loved it :)

"Deep down underneath it all, do you love this man?"

I stared into Clark's gaze.

"Answer the question Lois. Don't out think it. Just tell the truth" Clark panted, evidently he was still gaining his breath from being electrocuted. I continued to stare into his eyes

"Do you love him?"

I then started panting, panicking over what to say.

"Just tell the truth" Clark insisted, recapturing my stare.

Of course I knew the answer to that question. But this is not how I wanted it to come out, if at all. Not in some dirty basement where a crazy man had us strapped down, hooked up to a lie detector and some kind of electricity supply. Plus I knew that he was still singing the Lana-blues, and that was one of the things that hurt the most. As long as there was a Lana Lang in the world, there would be no room for Lois Lane to reside in his heart. Especially as he never had any real closure on their dysfunctional relationship. I felt so angry towards Lana for the way she ended things with Clark. It was nothing short of cruel. I would never do that to him. Ever. There are a lot of things that I would never do to him that Lana did. I tried my best to support him through it, as he had been there for me. As he is always there for me. Looking back on this, it wasn't really hard to see why I'd fallen in love with the Kansas-bred farm boy. My Smallville. Oh if only...

"Do you love him?"

The jeweller came right up to me. I looked down, trying not to let the tears come out. I couldn't let Clark get hurt again, not because of me. I would rather have my heart crushed by rejection than to let him get electrocuted again. My lip started to tremble, I took a sharp breath and looked back up, back to him.

"Yes"

Clark braced himself for another dose of electricity and then a painful look of confusion spread across his face. He looked over at the lie detector and then back over to me. Our eyes locked onto each others, but I had to force myself to break the connection.

The jeweller apparently satisfied with my answer continued.

"And you, do you love this women?"

I prepared myself for the inevitable blow that my heart was about to take. Of course Smallville wouldn't let me be electrocuted by some maniac, but at least it would be over in a matter of seconds. The pain from him not feeling the same way, that would last a lot longer and hurt a hell of a lot more.

The jeweller moved in front of Clark and said something that was barely audible. All of a sudden Clark crashed his head against the crazy mans and he fell to the floor, dropping the buzzer. A pipe burst, filling the room with steam. I could barely see anything at all and I started to panic even more when I heard a commotion. I wanted to call out to Clark, but the words wouldn't leave my mouth.

"Lois"

"Clark?"

He suddenly appeared standing in front of me. I started to wonder how on earth he managed to escape from the chair, but the thought left my head as soon as it entered. I didn't care in that moment as it meant we were able to escape.

"Lois are you okay?"

I glanced into his eyes once more, wanting to linger there but knowing that I couldn't.

"I'm not sure"

He knelt down and I forced my head away, not able to face him after my confession.

"Let's get you out of here". He began to undo the restraints around my wrists and his eyes couldn't help but keep returning to my face.

"_The one person in the whole wide world that we were destined to be with. Which is why I guess you can't take a ten year old on her word_"

"Yeah that's pretty much how I felt" Chloe said looking into the appalled look on my face as I was watching the drunken speech I gave at her engagement party.

"Oh my god Chloe I am so sorry. I mean I know my face is under faux pas in the dictionary but this is a whole new low."

"I would say that this is a close second behind the time you crashed Lana's engagement party. In fact, you might want to start avoiding engagement party's all together"

The video was at the point where Clark was saving me, again. I paused it. I didn't need to watch anymore. The horrible guilt that knotted itself in my stomach was more than I could bear without having anymore being added to it.

"Chloe it's not funny. I ruined your special night!"

"Lois, considering how the night ended I'd say that the party was a rousing success. Besides you were just being honest. Though you could have been a little less public about it." I sighed. "Lois why didn't you just tell me that this is how you felt?"

I started to shake my head. "I don't know. Look Clark and Lana went south, things fell apart between me and Ollie. Just knowing that I had everything that I wanted right in front of me and having it slip away, I just didn't want to see you have that kind of heart ache."

Chloe started to smile at me "Lois you are the most wonderful big cousin in the world for thinking that, but trust me I wouldn't have said yes if I didn't know it was meant to be."

"How can you be sure?"

"Because when I look at Jimmy I can just feel it, in my heart. I mean sunset or dungeon he's my guy."

I sort of understood what Chloe was saying, because when I look at Clark, I also feel it in my heart. My love for him, that I've never felt for anybody else. I thought I loved Ollie, but what I felt for him doesn't even compare to my feelings for Clark. Does this mean that, that, Clark is the One? I can feel my heart rushing at the thought.

"Wow. Colour me jealous" I smiled back at Chloe, but then my smile started to falter. "Clark was right after all"

"He usually is. Get used to it."

"Get used to what?" Jimmy appeared in the doorway of the Isis foundation. I didn't want to continue this conversation in front of him, who knows how long it would have been before I let something slip about Clark? I walked over to him and gave him an awkward hug.

"To being a member of the family," I slapped his shoulder and held it, "Congratulations Jimmy." I let go and walked out of the building.

There were so many thoughts running around in my head. _I admitted in front of Clark that I love him. He wouldn't stop looking at me when he was releasing me from the chair. I love him with my whole heart, he is the love of my life. Is he the One? And how did he get out from the chair?_ I had to shake my head. _Get a grip Lois, he's still in love with Lana remember? Most likely he always will be. He doesn't love you, how could Clark be in love with you? _I sighed out loud as the sadness took a vice grip of my heart once more and I made my way back to my apartment. This was certainly going to be a night in with my good old friends Ben and Jerry, with some rocky road.

I changed into my joggers when I arrived back and decided to go with a chick flick movie, which was totally against my nature. Towards the end I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes and tried to blame it on the film. "Oh who are you trying to kid Lois?" I said to myself out loud as I began to sob. I found myself wishing that Clark would someday take off his Lana-coloured glasses and see that there was more to the world, to be able to see me...

"Lois what did you just say?" My heart stopped dead. Did I just say that out loud? I must have done. It then registered that the voice belonged to no other than Clark, and he was stood on the other side of the door. I suddenly rushed to put my ice cream back in the freezer and wiped my eyes to try and hide the fact I'd been crying, crying about him. I regained myself and went to open the door. There he was, Clark Kent – the love of my life, standing in the doorway looking concerned.

"Lois are you okay?" His deep baby blue eyes pierced right into mine, straight to my soul.

"I'm fine, Smallville" I was unaware that a stray tear lingered on my face, he brought up his hand to wipe it away and stroked my face. A sudden rush of tingling warmness appeared when he touched me. I just wanted to lean in and kiss him, but I knew that I couldn't. I tried to hide the longing from my eyes but I had a feeling that I didn't do it too well. Coldness took over when he removed his hand.

"Lois, we need to talk about what happened, I haven't seen you for a few days and I think you've been avoiding me."

Truth was I had been avoiding him, but not completely intentionally. I had genuinely been busy with the amount of assignments I'd been given. I told Randall that I had a few leads to check out over the next few days and brought my work home instead. Luckily Chloe wasn't home much as she had the Isis foundation to run, and Jimmy would have bought the following the leads story since he'd be at the Planet all day long. I submerged myself into my work but found I'd completed it pretty soon. Which was why I went to visit Chloe today as I still hadn't really apologised to her. To be honest we were all just trying to get back on our feet.

I walked back over to the couch and sat down on the edge, clutching my knees to my chest and resting my chin on top. Clark came over and sat down next to me, with some kind of parcel tube in his hand. He put it behind him and turned so that he was facing me.

"First of all Lois, I'm sorry that I got you into that mess. I shouldn't have let that happen -"

I stopped him before he could continue "Smallville you didn't exactly drag me along. If anything it's more my fault than yours. We were both trying to find Chloe and Jimmy. Granted the idea of posing as an engaged couple probably wasn't a good one, but we managed to escape physically unscathed"

"Did I just hear Lois say that one of her ideas wasn't a good one?" Clark grinned. I knew what he was trying to do and I appreciated it. He knew our banter would make me a bit more comfortable with the situation.

"I said probably. And if you tell anyone then I'll have to kick your ass!" We both laughed for a second. And then I felt comfortable again, but I knew that the awkward dial was about to be knocked up. I let go of my legs and turned to face him.

"He confessed," I started, "the jeweller."

"I heard. Five couples?" I caught my breath but let it go quickly, he was including us as a couple in that number. I glanced at him for a moment and then looked away again.

"So, er about that test, um" I couldn't find the words to say. How on earth was I going to dig myself out of this one?

"Who'd have thought you were such a good liar huh?" He was saving me again. I didn't want to lie anymore but I knew for both our sakes it was best just to go along with it. "I mean, you even beat that machine"

"Even though I'm a natural master of deception, I needed a little help. I mean that machine was a piece of Kaiser-Era junk."

"Well, it did work the first time, you know, when you electrocuted me."

Crap. I felt my pulse quicken as my heart started to race. How was I supposed to get out of this one? I was about to tell the truth when a quick thought entered my head.

"Exactly. So while he was off playing game-show host , I slipped the sensor off my finger. Pretty crafty huh?" I knew how lame I sounded, and I'm pretty sure he picked up on it too.

"So you weren't telling the truth?" His looked me straight in the eye, once again piercing straight through to my soul.

"Please. I mean, we do make a good team, but don't let our cover go to that big head of yours."

He half grinned at me, which started to make my insides melt. "Lois," he started to slide closer to me and I could feel my heart pounding against my chest. I bit my bottom lip, wanting him not to get any closer but at the same time I hoped he was going to kiss me. Our noses were an inch apart, he held my chin and whispered in my ear, "I know that you're lying now." Before I could back away and register what he said, he placed his lips on mine, almost as if to test the water. Where was this confidence coming from? Smallville wouldn't usually try anything like this. But I didn't care. I closed my eyes, leaned forward into him and put my hands around his neck whilst his travelled to my waist to pull me closer. Oh this was heaven, and Clark, who knew that Clark was such a good kisser? I didn't want this to end, but questions floating around in my head made me push his chest away.

"Clark, we shouldn't"

He looked up at me, and the expression that I couldn't place before had returned.

"Lois, we've known each other for a long time now. It took time but we became friends. We eventually became partners at work and now you're one of my best friends. But somewhere along the way, I began to realise that I looked at you as more than a friend, and wasn't sure how much longer I could settle with just friendship when I wanted more. But I always thought that these feelings were one sided and I tried to push them away, but they just came back even stronger than before. Then when we were in that basement, I was so sure that my heart was about to be broken. But you answered yes, and I was confused at first, more so in shock. I started to realise that my strong feelings for you were much more than what I thought they were. Lois, what I'm trying to say is that, I love you."

He stared right into my gaze. I felt my breath catch. My heart was racing even more now and I was in complete shock. Clark loves me back? I want to believe it but a name is pushing its way through my mind.

"But, Lana," I can't even finish what I started to say.

He sighed and took my hand in his. "Hmm now what I heard you say before I was about to knock makes more sense. Listen, I know that for the longest time I thought that Lana was the one for me. But when she shattered my heart, you were there to help me pick up the pieces. You helped me take off the Lana-coloured glasses, as you so aptly put it," he smirked at me," and I did start to see everything more clearly. Now I know that Lana was just my first love, I think I was more in love with the idea of her. I want you to know that those feelings that I had for her are hardly anything compared to the love I feel now. The love that I feel for you Lois." He started to stroke my cheek again with his other hand and I closed my eyes. The electricity that passed through the contact was an amazing sensation, and I didn't want him to ever let go. I was so happy, Clark loves me. He actually loves me. I opened my eyes again and a tear rolled down my face. He wiped it away.

"Clark, do you really mean it?" I asked. I knew he did. He wasn't the type of guy who went around telling every girl he met that he loved her. But I needed to hear it and he knew it.

He smiled at me. "Lois Lane, I love you with all my heart. And I want to see where this takes us. I can't imagine my life without you." All my concerns were almost gone. But there was still one. He'd already stolen my heart and I know I'll never get it back. But there was still one thing, one thing that makes me afraid. I looked down again

"I'm scared, Smallville. I can't be left behind again." What I actually meant was I couldn't be left behind by him. In the past I've bounced back but not without the battle scars. But this time, I know that if he ever left me behind as the others did, it would break me. In fact it would destroy me. I would never be the same again, just an empty shell. Existing, not living.

"Lois, look at me." He placed both of his hands on my face and I stared back at him. "I will never leave you, I promise. I'm not like those other guys. Besides, what makes you think you could get rid of me that easily?" He's grinning at me and I could feel myself smiling back at him.

"I know you're not like the others, and I'm glad." I pulled his shirt towards me and kissed him. It started off softly and then we both stopped holding back. I wrapped my arms around his neck again pushed myself onto him, straddling his legs. The passion I felt from him was mind-blowing. It felt like he was putting across everything he said to me in the kiss. I'd never been kissed like that before and I didn't want it to end. A few minutes later and I had to surface for air. We were both breathless, gazing into each other's eyes.

"Wow" he said, smiling up at me.

"You're not too bad yourself Smallville."

He started to move and I slid over to where I was sat before. He took my hands again.

"Lois, I want to do this right and not rush into things. I don't want to mess things up. So, will you go on a date with me tomorrow night?"

"Hmm, I think my schedule will allow it."

"Good." There was that grin again, and it made me melt even more. Was he even aware of what he was doing to my insides? "I'll come and pick you up at seven. Before you ask, no I'm not telling you where we are going, and yes I know you don't like surprises. But I know you'll like this one."

"Looks like our cub reporter is finally learning to cover all his bases. But you missed one. How will I know what to wear if I don't even know where we're going?" I was sure that he'd have to tell me then.

"Well, you could always wear the dress you wore at Chloe's engagement party. I thought you looked very sexy in it." He winked at me. Did Clark just say that to me? I could feel the red spread across my cheeks. I opened my mouth and then closed it again.

"Now I've made the great Lois Lane blush and rendered her speechless. I must be on a roll today."

"Don't get used to it Smallville" I punched him on the arm.

He stood up to walk to the front door and I followed him. He turned around to face me and held my waist. I put my hands up on his chest.

"I have to get back to the farm to finish my chores. I'll see you tomorrow at work." He smiled before he kissed me. He let go and opened the door.

"Oh and this is for you." He handed me the parcel tube that he brought in with him. "Goodnight Lois."

"Goodnight, Smallville."

I closed the door and leaned my back against it. A massive smile took over my face. I couldn't believe it. I had a lot to process. Clark loved me and he was taking me out on a date tomorrow night. I remembered that I was holding something. I opened it and felt my heart go again. I swear that man is going to make me have a heart attack one of these days. Inside was a single lily with a card that read, "You give me a purpose. You make me live, not just exist." I felt my knees shake and almost give way. I held the card to my heart and closed my eyes. It was like we shared the same thoughts. What did I do right to deserve Clark Kent?

A thought entered my mind. He thought I looked sexy in my purple dress. If he thought that was sexy, just he wait until I find my red dress.

He won't know what hit him.


End file.
